What to write in a sympathy card

Sympathy cards are read aloud, standing up, by someone who has slept badly. That one fact settles most of the questions people agonise over. Short beats long, plain beats literary, and a specific detail beats a general sentiment every time.

What follows is wording you can use as it stands. Change the names, cut anything that is not true, and do not feel obliged to fill the card.

For a parent

• "I am so sorry about your father. He was very good to me when I started at Kelly's, and I have never forgotten it."
• "Thinking of you and all the family this week. Your mother was great company, and I will miss seeing her at Mass."
• "There is no getting used to losing a parent. I am so sorry, and I am around whenever you feel like a walk."
• "Sorry for your trouble, Margaret. Your dad talked about you constantly, in case you did not know."

For a partner

• "I am so sorry about Tom. Forty years is a long time to be that fond of someone. Thinking of you every day."
• "No words for this one. I am so sorry, and I will ring you next week rather than this one, when the house is quiet."
• "Anne was kind to me in a way that cost her time she did not have. I am thinking of you."

For a child, or a young person

Say less. Do not reach for meaning.

• "There is nothing I can say that helps. I am so sorry. We are thinking of you constantly."
• "We are heartbroken for you both. Anything at all, at any hour, please ask."

For a grandparent, aunt, uncle or neighbour

• "Sorry to hear about your grandmother. She had a way of making everyone feel like the person she had been waiting to see."
• "Thinking of you and the family. Your uncle Jim gave me my first summer's work and I still use half of what he taught me."
• "Sorry for your trouble. Mrs Byrne kept an eye on our house for thirty years and never once mentioned it."

From a workplace

One card, signed by everyone, is better than fifteen separate ones.

• "With sympathy from everyone in the Dublin office. Take whatever time you need. Nothing here is urgent."
• "All of us at Harte and Sons are thinking of you. Your father was in and out of this place for years and we were all fond of him."

When you did not know the person who died

• "I never met your mother, but I have listened to you talk about her for years and I feel like I did. I am so sorry."
• "I am sorry for your trouble, Liam. Thinking of you."

When the person had been ill a long time

Relief and grief arrive together, and it is worth leaving room for both.

• "I know the last two years were very hard on all of you. I am sorry, and I hope you get some rest now."
• "You looked after her right to the end. I hope you know that."

Religious wording, and the alternative

For a practising family, "May she rest in peace" and "You are in our prayers" are ordinary and welcome. So is noting that a Mass is being offered, which is often written as "A Mass will be offered for John on Sunday."

For a family whose beliefs you do not know, keep it human rather than theological. "Thinking of you" carries no assumptions. Nothing about a better place, God's plan, or an angel gained.

Do not write a poem unless it is one the family already uses. The traditional verses that turn up on Irish memorial cards work because they are familiar, not because they are good, and a poem you found this morning reads as a poem you found this morning.

The florist card is a different thing

The tag that goes with an arrangement is not a sympathy card. It is a few square inches, read while standing beside a coffin, and its job is to identify who sent the flowers.

• "With deepest sympathy. The Nolan family, Tralee."
• "In loving memory of Nan. Aoife, Cian and Ruth."
• "With sympathy on the death of Michael. All at Riverside Motors."

Put the deceased person's name on it and your own name in the form the family would recognise you by, which for a neighbour usually means the house rather than the surname. Longer messages go in a card sent separately, not on the tag.

Things to leave out

• Explaining the death, or repeating what you heard about how it happened.
• Ranking it. "At least he had a good innings" is heard as a correction.
• Instructions. "Be strong for the children" hands someone a job.
• "Let me know if you need anything." Nobody ever does. Offer one specific thing instead: a lift to the removal, the school run on Thursday, a walk on Sunday.
• Anything about your own bereavement, beyond a single sentence.

If you are late

Late is fine. A card that arrives three weeks after the funeral lands in the stretch when everyone else has gone back to normal, and it is often the one that gets kept. Open with it plainly: "I only heard this week, and I am sorry I was not in touch sooner." Then write the same card you would have written.

The same logic applies to flowers, which is why sending them to the house a fortnight later is usually a better idea than a wreath on the day. There is more on that timing on the sympathy flowers hub.